Vienna’s Secret is supported by its readers. If you purchase through any link on the site, we may earn a commission. Learn more
| 5 Tips on how to Spice up Your Sex Life Now
Intimacy. Romance. Sex. For many people, those words are enough to bring anxiety and discomfort. Society has groomed us all to believe that we aren’t allowed to speak about our sexual feelings. Yet we all have experienced some sort of sexual rejection in our lives. So we all have something about our bodies that brings up embarrassment. If we don’t talk about the wrong things in our sexual relationships, how will we ever know what makes someone’s sex life great!
| Couples who have a great sex life have some similarities.
The key to establishing long-term happiness with a person is for both partners to truly value their friendship and support one another. Both in and out of the bedroom. We know that couples are more emotionally attuned to one another when they are sexually satisfied.
If you want your sex life to be more intimate and romantic, the emotional and physical intimacy issues between you and your partner need to be resolved. How do you overcome these roadblocks and create openness with your partner? Here are five easy ways.
| Intimate Sex Talk is an Art Worth Learning
The biggest obstacle to having great sex is first talking about sex. It’s not easy to do, though, which means that many couples choose to be vague with one another rather than be vulnerable and tell one another what their needs are. However, it is essential. Very few couples who don’t have open and comfortable conversations with one another about sex are genuinely sexually satisfied.
If you want to deepen the intimate and emotional connection between you and your partner, having conversations about sex is the most powerful way to do it. This will give you and your partner a voice to express your likes and dislikes. It will also give you the tools to work together to build the meaningful sexual relationship you are craving.
| Redefining “Sex”
Our own unique life experiences shape our attitude about sex. When you get into a relationship, both you and your partner are going to bring your own perspectives about sex into the relationship.
For many of us, the first introduction to sex was through high school sex ed. You’re given a textbook that goes into the very technical aspects of human anatomy and human physiology. At no time do you discuss what sex is in the context of a relationship? The problem with this approach is that you aren’t learning the skills you need to be able to handle the moments that are uncomfortable. You don’t learn how to communicate about sex with someone you love. For many, this means that when you eventually have a sexual relationship with someone, your desires bring you shame.
Reading books on relationships isn’t likely to bring you much guidance on the issue, either. Relationship books tend to do the same thing that couples are doing – neglecting to go into detail about sex.
As guys, it is completely common to believe that sex defines your masculinity. So, it isn’t about passion or intimate conversation. It’s about your technique. It’s about your performance.
Your Sexual Life can be Intimate and Fun all at the Same Time
While men are worrying about their performance, women are worried about achieving an orgasm. This means sex is goal-oriented. The problem with focusing on the end result is that not reaching the goal creates sexual dysfunction. But sex is not a game, and it is not a race. It is about the journey and the experience as a whole.
When partners are left feeling like there is something wrong with them, we are inviting pressure and shame into our sexual relationship, making us all even more self-conscious about having these conversations about sex.
Instead of making the end result, focus, slow down, and try to enjoy the experience as a whole. View every positive done in your relationship as a form of foreplay. By redefining what sex means, you can make your physical relationship even more pleasurable regardless of whether orgasm is achieved. Then, when you are no longer stressed about reaching orgasm, you are more likely to experience one.
Remember, great sex is the by-product of having a great connection with your partner.
| Bridge the Gap with Erotic Love Maps
A love map isn’t much different than a road map. It is going to guide you to the things that lead to your partner being turned on or off erotically. You can build this map by asking your partner questions about what they enjoy and what their needs are. Sometimes getting started with building this map can be scary. Start with one question and slowly ask more and more. Some examples of questions to ask include the following.
| Learn How to Initiate and Refuse Sex
Many people believe that their long-term partner should “just know” when they want or don’t want sex. However, none of us are mind readers. Assuming that your partner is only limits or intimate relationship.
It is equally important to know how to say no to your partner in a positive way that isn’t hurtful as it is to accept your partner choosing to say no.
Both initiating and refusing sex needs to be done so that saying no isn’t a personal attack and being told no can be done in a way that is accepted. This allows both partners to feel comfortable and safe in expressing their desires.
| Saying Yes to your Sex life
You probably want to believe that your partner is so attuned to you that they can just know when you want them. The truth is, though, that your “obvious” signs aren’t always as evident as you believe they are.
The best way to ensure that your partner is attuned to your cues is to have a conversation with them. Discuss the verbal and nonverbal cues you can rely on to know when one another is in the mood.
You don’t need to have an elaborate plan in place. It can be something as simple as a particular way of rubbing your partner’s back that signals your interest and gives them the opportunity to continue the physical connection towards sex or decline it.
| Saying No to your Sex Life
We all have times when we aren’t in the mood. It is essential to be able to say no while still maintaining an emotional connection. You can do this by gently refusing sex because it’s okay for either partner to refuse sex. It can even be rewarding to say no to sex, as counter-intuitive as this may seem. If you use a positive response when your partner says no, this is seen as a reward and will lead to more opportunities for sex as trust is built.
If your reaction to your partner choosing to say no is to guilt-trip your partner, withhold physical affection, or emotionally withdraw from your partner, then you weren’t making a bid for sex. You were making a demand. When your partner perceives a demand, they only see two options: submit or rebel.
The difference between whether you are making a bid for sex or demanding sex is how you react if your partner says no.
To ensure that you and your partner are on the same page by saying no to your sex life, try asking the following questions.
Ensure That Your Conversations About Sexual Intimacy stay Continuous
Be aware that you may not be able to spice up your sex life overnight. You need to ensure that you are making an intentional commitment to continue talking about sex in your relationship. Be curious and ask questions about your partner’s thoughts and desires.
When you ask your partner these questions, you are allowing your partner to openly express what they need to feel loved. And they will naturally reciprocate those questions to learn more about you. Asking and answering these questions will keep you attuned to one another’s needs and prevent intimacy issues from preventing an emotionally connected and fulfilling sex life.