Tolga & Sexuality and Religion ‘It’ll Be Better Once You Embrace It What Defines You’ [Video]
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We recently caught up with Tolga, who updated us on his life since we filmed him and dove deeper into the intersection of his sexuality and his faith.
Growing up in a conservative town in Turkey, Tolga felt as though being gay and Muslim were incompatible. He would later move to the United States, where he would eventually learn to reconcile his religion with his sexuality. We recently caught up with Tolga, who updated us on his life since we filmed him and dove deeper into the intersection of his sexuality and his faith.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:06
story update today we’re going to be
00:08
speaking with toga who shared his story
00:10
with us several years ago
00:11
but before we speak to tolga let’s take
00:15
my name is toga and i’m from malatia
00:18
it’s a small conservative town and we
00:20
all raise conservatives as well
00:22
i remember every time i was going to
00:26
friends they were talking about the
00:28
girls that they saw in their dreams and
00:30
all that as we were growing up
00:32
and i was always feeling left out
00:35
and questioning because i never saw a
00:38
i was seeing guys and it made me utterly
00:40
uncomfortable as well because
00:42
number one i cannot share that with
00:47
it was not okay for me either i moved to
00:49
new york city when i was 19 for
00:51
college and the feelings were still
00:54
and i was not happy about it because not
00:57
only i wanted dancers but also
01:00
i did not want to associate myself with
01:03
being gay i assumed that it was just an
01:05
and once i experienced that i told
01:08
that that feeling is going to be gone
01:11
so i picked up a village voice magazines
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on the way to school and on the back
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chose the right ad for my
01:25
taste i will say i uh called the number
01:32
was very polite and diplomatic actually
01:35
and i dialed the number and i was like
01:39
and the guy responds yo where are you
01:43
i would like to make an appointment
01:46
the person gave me the address and the
01:49
time where to meet up so i went back
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i took a long shower i did take care of
01:56
i did my hair super well and i put
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and very nice outfit as well as if i was
02:03
going on a super important date
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so i got over his place and
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i was turned off already as soon as i
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saw him because he was wearing shorts
02:13
and tank tops and the house was messy so
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i wasn’t feeling anything to begin with
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i laid down and after having an initial
02:20
talk i already told him that i was
02:23
inexperienced and i wanted to know more
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and he literally just got down the
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right in front of me and he took off his
02:32
and he asked me if he put two condoms on
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and it ignited panics in my as in me as
02:41
wait right in business and i’m not sure
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that’s what i wanted or i don’t know
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what i wanted he was just about to
02:50
make a move to get inside i actually
02:52
told him to please step back
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and then of course he asked me if
02:57
everything was okay and also i told him
02:59
it had nothing to do with him i was just
03:00
not feeling it as i was about to leave
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actually he i think he got the idea that
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uh i he thought that i was going to move
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actually told me that this is something
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that is going to stay with me so i
03:13
should embrace it any time soon i can’t
03:14
run away from and i was so inflated by
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so i ran crazy and i just was lost
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the urge didn’t go away but the
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questions were still there so it was
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i still had to find out more and i came
03:34
i ended up chatting with this guy from
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the conversation went very well and
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he said that he wants to meet me i was
03:44
very excited about it because
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he was very attractive beautiful and
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for me he was like a greek god the time
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meet and things were so smooth and
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so friendly and genuine and sincere
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i went over his place and we ended up
04:11
laid down and put his head on my lap as
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continuing on the movie he gives me a
04:20
can i kiss you and i pause
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but with a shy look on my face
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and i said sure as if he was reading my
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he was telling me that it’s okay not to
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anything and it’s okay if something
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makes me uncomfortable he gave me the
04:39
it was one of the most romantic
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and that’s that was the night that i
04:47
did lose my virginity i was in the
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apparently he wasn’t obviously and
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it was so much on him to take as well so
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then i met another person um kelly
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i think initial meeting with kelly in my
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and we had a very good date
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we went to a restaurant and we had fifth
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there was nothing about sexuality or
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anything it was just a smooth hangout
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and he was very respectful he took me
05:22
went back to his home as the time goes
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on he didn’t make a move on me neither
05:27
something happened in me that i realized
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exactly what i need right now what i
05:34
needed was the friend and he was the
05:38
was provided having questions is
05:40
actually the beginning of the stage
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you are aware that there are things
05:45
that need to be answered now looking
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i can say wholeheartedly that uh i am
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and i’m gay and i’m totally okay with
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it’s totally okay to keep your belief
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as well as your own identity together in
06:06
and continue your own life and i’m the
06:11
okay so welcome toga to our story update
06:15
i’m well thanks nathan how are you doing
06:17
it’s nice to see you again
06:19
doing very well thank you um it’s great
06:22
um so i want to kind of jump in and talk
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about one thing that really stood out to
06:25
me in your story which was
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kind of the profound statement
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that the escort that you saw had on you
06:34
what i perceived the the impact he had
06:37
when you were leaving he told you that
06:39
you can’t run away from who you are
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and that really seemed to be a change
06:44
can you kind of reflect on that and let
06:48
that felt to you or how you look at that
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like an earthquake in a way because
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it’s something that young you know is
06:59
truth but you are in denial still but
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personally in denial is something that
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and how you’re gonna the fear the
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everything it was just all piled up
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and suddenly it’s all we’re
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working against you in a way and you
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feel powerless and you don’t know what
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it was all about embracing and accepting
07:27
and it was something that too
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hard for me to comprehend because
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i just did not know where to start with
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even um so it was it was a challenge
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and it was just like you said it was a
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i learned to embrace everything about me
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what i mean to say is like
07:56
past is part of me and the present is
07:59
already part of me as well
08:00
so where i came from how i lived through
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or or was in different group of people
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or uh raising different culture
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just because they are or they were
08:15
different from my current life standards
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doesn’t change the fact that um
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they are not part of me so when i look
08:26
at my past from this perspective
08:30
i i still receive some questions and
08:38
a lot of people around me every time we
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be for instance muslim and gay
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considering they would not like you and
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but it goes through the same circle when
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is in the past i was trying not to
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and now people are judging me or
09:00
i am having i did have difficulty
09:06
looks like it’s never ending story it’s
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i did tell myself that you need to
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embrace both sides because
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because of that i became more liberal
09:17
because of that i became more
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open-minded and considering what we go
09:20
through right now in the world is
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we do need to accept everyone just the
09:26
are and embracing them and
09:30
without without any judgments whatsoever
09:37
that some cultures might have rougher um
09:41
situations towards lgbtqi members than
09:46
it doesn’t matter the level of pain it
09:49
just matters what matters is that
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goes through that challenges no matter
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but just because it is that you don’t
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you embrace your past and
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you if you are good at it
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if you approaching the right angle you
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ways how how you can make the change how
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you can make the better impact
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what contribution you can make so others
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would not go through the same
10:19
so tolga there was something you said
10:22
liked you said that your past is a part
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who you are and as well as your present
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at the end of your story i remember you
10:32
you are gay and you are muslim and
10:35
so what would you want to say to people
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gay and muslim and struggling with that
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right now or another way to think about
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that is what do you wish someone told
10:45
when you were younger and going through
10:48
identity whether it’s challenging or not
10:55
and we do live live by it
10:58
and when i said i am muslim and gay i’m
11:03
does merely meant it mean that
11:07
i accepted my both sides and i
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it is no matter what whether it was
11:16
or not you do not want to wipe out
11:20
there are some memories in it good and
11:23
and i was raised in a conservative
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am still damn proud of it it’s just
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different perspectives as well and it
11:36
approach career problems better
11:39
um if this i can strike a conversation
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for those who are opposing who i am
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faith system religion it’s just it’s
11:56
it’s just personal there is no one shape
12:00
and the way i was raised was the verse
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uh of a uh one of the verses
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in quran basically it was saying my love
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if it wasn’t for you i wouldn’t have
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this statement itself always will stuck
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if you think about it the creation of
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universe the existence of the entire
12:28
is love a product of love
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and it’s breaks my heart that a lot of
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faith or religion or not even don’t see
12:41
and we talk about love in
12:45
every religion everyone and still we do
12:50
force each other to make choices
12:53
considering that we all are product of
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um and for those who struggled
13:02
uh muslim and being gay or who still are
13:07
it’s not my place to give you any
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direction for sure but the only thing
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i can say is another verse that i can
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god says i’ll treat you
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this itself is good enough for you as
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know him full of love and full of
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you know embraces everyone he’ll do it
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because that’s how you know him
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and uh don’t we do you like that too in
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our social life too we treat each other
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the way we want to be treated
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same thing goes that and that’s why i
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always oppose the idea of
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forcing one another making choices i am
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going to be judged based on certain
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but i am going to be judged my one way
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or another in social life even
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how i contribute to society how
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i mean there is so much to be done as a
14:16
we should not focus on making choices
14:20
faith versus who you are and
14:22
all that it’s just we have enough
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discrimination already going on we don’t
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i hope that’s good that was your
14:32
question absolutely i did yeah i think
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that’s really beautiful about
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um how to live your life and how you see
14:40
you know view that and how that affects
14:43
personal life um is there anything else
14:47
your life we filmed your story several
14:48
years ago and like what’s what’s changed
14:51
uh in your life since then um
14:55
well now i live in los angeles
15:00
it was time i guess new york city and i
15:02
we decided to break up after 20 years
15:05
um but now it’s been a year
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but unfortunately i’ve been locked down
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for the past six months because of code
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but i of course did change my career
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um i’m a user experience designer now
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which is good actually it’s a good time
15:28
there’s not much to do you just lock
15:30
down uh so i guess blessing in disguise
15:33
what i’m doing during this time frame is
15:34
that is trying to motivate myself as
15:39
and see how much i can improve indoors
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because what else would i do it’s just
15:44
um so i just write down the things that
15:48
during this time and i’m i think on the
15:50
right track was there anything else that
15:52
you wanted to share with people that we
15:54
right now um not really um
16:01
were clear and straightforward and i
16:04
really hope it did not cause any
16:07
and what would it toga if you could boil
16:10
uh clearly one more time like just
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what would that be what do you want
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people to know that your message is
16:17
whether it’s painful whether it’s right
16:20
whatever that is that define you
16:24
you it will be better once you embrace
16:28
you’ll solve the puzzle so much faster
16:32
and basically to also boost your
16:36
without caring what others think you
16:38
live your life the way you want to
16:40
and it’s important you had enough
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insecurity in life already being gay and
16:46
in the beginning long time ago you don’t
16:53
you have to leave the burden and embrace
16:58
great all right well thanks so much toga
17:01
um i will ask that i’m sure people will
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leave comments so maybe you can check
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respond to people so if anyone watching
17:08
has any questions or comments for toga
17:10
leave them in the comments and maybe
17:13
uh join us next week for our next story
17:15
update and thanks for watching

This post was previously published on YouTube and is republished here under a Creative Commons license.